It's 8:46 PM on the last night of 2014, and frankly I can't wait to get rid of this year.
It's been hell for me, for the most part. Victories have been achieved, but a lot more tears of sadness have been cried.
In 2014, I got close to killing myself a few times. Really close. I suffered from some brutal depression for months, and for a while it was touch and go. Sometimes, it still is.
The thing is, I don't feel like there are many people in my life who would actually be affected by my absence. Probably because mostly, I don't feel like they really enjoy my presence, either.
And then there are the guys. I recently spent some time with a guy who said he was looking for a deep and meaningful connection. He said he'd really like that with me, if I was the person I seemed to be. He even questioned how I'm still single, at my age, why hasn't anyone decided that someone sweet, intelligent, funny and sexy like me is the perfect person for them.
My answer? I really don't know. Nothing I showed him wasn't me. I went out of my way to be very honest and open with him, even when it was risky, and emotionally scary, and left me way out of my comfort zone. And then after I stayed with him one night - we didn't have sex, we just slept in the same bed - he freaked out. I don't really know where I stand now, or what's going on, but I do know that I haven't seen him since then, haven't talked on the phone, have only had awkward text conversations where he says he needs space and stuff, and yet he still wants me in his life, somehow. Mostly though, he doesn't respond to my texts, barely talks.
So how am I still single? You tell me G. You tell me.
So I decided that this year, it has to be better. I can't be sitting alone on another holiday. I can't have another major life event pass that doesn't get celebrated with me, because nobody cares. I am tired of all of the crap in my life being out of my control. So every day, I'm going to try and do one thing that is an incremental step to my life being better. Whether that's to do with my health, my career, my appearance, money, whatever. I'm going to date with abandon. Screw investing in anyone, just screw it. I'm tired of guys making me feel inadequate, or like shit. G was scared of me, wanted me to let him in, was scared that I was going to hurt him, so I went out of my way to show him who I am. Out of my way to be vulnerable and open, even though I knew it was a risk. And now, I'm hurting.
I got so close to dying, and that's so sad.
And I feel like I'm just dangling at the end of a piece of string. Hoping someone will reel me in and claim me. Know that I'm valuable. Love me for who I am, and accept my love in return.
Hah. I'm so delusional to think that will happen. I mean, has it ever?.
