So I messaged another guy last night. Seemed like he might be looking for the same things as me.
Sadly, though, I missed the important one - he's in an open relationship.
I'm not ok with that. I want my partner to have me as their priority. I don't want to be the afterthought - the adjunct - to anyone's life anymore. I'm so tired of having to make do with barely enough of my needs being met. I want someone who loves me, and only me. Yes, they can have family, and friends, and everything else, but I need a partner. I don't need to be the third wheel to someone else's partnership.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Again and again and again
Date after date. Guy after guy. They're never the one to text me. What's so wrong with me that I'm not worth basic consideration as a human being?
Am I so awful?
Do I just have to accept that it doesn't matter what I want, or what I am. I'm just going to be alone forever?
I can read a thousand books. Do a thousand things, and I will never be what someone really wants forever in their lives. Everyone but me gets to have that.
It's funny. The last two guys I had any kind of feelings for, both told me how wonderful I was, at the same time as they were shoving me away with both hands. Telling me what kind of guys I should look for. How lucky any guy would be to have me - as long as that guy isn't them.
They even go as far as to suggest what I should look for, what I should be dating.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! Why don't they want to keep me?
I'm so tired of being lonely. I'm so tired of nobody caring how my day was. Nobody cuddling me when I'm sick and want to be held. Nobody to tell me they love me. Nobody to talk my troubles over with. Nobody to hold my hand when I'm scared.
And I'm scared right now. Scared of a future where this is my reality forever. Scared of nobody ever taking that step to say that they want me in their lives. I'll never be attractive enough, rich enough, sweet enough. I'm not even feeling depressed or negative right now. I just feel like I'm accepting my reality again. Since J, when I thought I was done forever.. and now I keep trying and trying date after date. I'm just.. a dead loss.
I mean really. Who wants me?
Fat. Too tall. not pretty enough. bad hair. bad teeth. depressive tendencies, scars. bitchy. mean. evil.
Screw it all. Fuck life and the stupid illusion that everyone can be loved. That everyone gets to get married and have babies, and have family and love and warmth in their life.
no comfort
no safety
no joy
no love
no passion
no warmth
no laughter
no affection
no children
no family
no future.
Am I so awful?
Do I just have to accept that it doesn't matter what I want, or what I am. I'm just going to be alone forever?
I can read a thousand books. Do a thousand things, and I will never be what someone really wants forever in their lives. Everyone but me gets to have that.
It's funny. The last two guys I had any kind of feelings for, both told me how wonderful I was, at the same time as they were shoving me away with both hands. Telling me what kind of guys I should look for. How lucky any guy would be to have me - as long as that guy isn't them.
They even go as far as to suggest what I should look for, what I should be dating.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! Why don't they want to keep me?
I'm so tired of being lonely. I'm so tired of nobody caring how my day was. Nobody cuddling me when I'm sick and want to be held. Nobody to tell me they love me. Nobody to talk my troubles over with. Nobody to hold my hand when I'm scared.
And I'm scared right now. Scared of a future where this is my reality forever. Scared of nobody ever taking that step to say that they want me in their lives. I'll never be attractive enough, rich enough, sweet enough. I'm not even feeling depressed or negative right now. I just feel like I'm accepting my reality again. Since J, when I thought I was done forever.. and now I keep trying and trying date after date. I'm just.. a dead loss.
I mean really. Who wants me?
Fat. Too tall. not pretty enough. bad hair. bad teeth. depressive tendencies, scars. bitchy. mean. evil.
Screw it all. Fuck life and the stupid illusion that everyone can be loved. That everyone gets to get married and have babies, and have family and love and warmth in their life.
no comfort
no safety
no joy
no love
no passion
no warmth
no laughter
no affection
no children
no family
no future.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Monday
So this will have to be a few day's of updates, since I missed the last couple.
Monday, I went to the comic jam I mentioned, and I did have a good time, met three cool people I have stuff in common with, laughed a lot.
After that, I ended up on a date with J the lawyer. I liked him, I had fun. I think he did too, although I'm not sure if he has a physical attraction to me - we may end up just as friends. There's also the fact that he has a couple teenage kids and an ex he still lives in the same house as. That might be more seriousness and grownupness than I am necessarily ready for.
Yesterday, not much happened. Went to the dentist in the hope of getting my teeth fixed up. It's going to be a long process I think.
And today, work, a ton of dating messages.
Haven't texted or talked to G since sunday evening - it's now wednesday. I still miss him.
Monday, I went to the comic jam I mentioned, and I did have a good time, met three cool people I have stuff in common with, laughed a lot.
After that, I ended up on a date with J the lawyer. I liked him, I had fun. I think he did too, although I'm not sure if he has a physical attraction to me - we may end up just as friends. There's also the fact that he has a couple teenage kids and an ex he still lives in the same house as. That might be more seriousness and grownupness than I am necessarily ready for.
Yesterday, not much happened. Went to the dentist in the hope of getting my teeth fixed up. It's going to be a long process I think.
And today, work, a ton of dating messages.
Haven't texted or talked to G since sunday evening - it's now wednesday. I still miss him.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Sadness
I feel like I'm constantly falling short of where everyone in the dating world wants me to be. I'm not skinny enough, I'm not mysterious enough, I'm not what they envision in their life. Why is it that I don't find acceptance for me? Or if I do, then something happens that means that person doesn't really want me around anymore. Why am I so lonely? What's wrong with me that I can't have the things that other people have? Warmth, affection, love, friendship that isn't one sided. For Christmas, I gave my best friend in the world $1000. In return, I got a gift for myself and my housemates that was something I didn't even enjoy - a boardgame that really wasn't up my street. I don't expect money, I don't know, I just feel like when I give gifts to people, I really work hard at trying to find something that they will enjoy and appreciate, and in return I get generic, crappy gifts that show how little they thought of who I am.
My housemates are a couple, I got them both individual gifts of their own. In return, I got some random BS gifts, and one larger "combined" gift. Again, I don't care about the money.. I just wish that someone sat down and really thought about me as a person and the things I like.
For G, as a small gift, I gave him a book of favorite poetry that I'd illustrated by hand. In return, I got a box of chocolates, and a mug with my initial on it, to keep at his house. I used it once. It's still there, and now I'm not. I wonder sometimes what he'll do with it. Will it sit in his cupboard, getting used occasionally? Will he throw it away so he doesn't have to think about me again?
When I was around J, I gave him so many personal and amazing gifts. In return, I got gadgets. Things he liked.
What I don't get, is why I deserve this alienation. Why I give and give and give, of my time and my heart and my soul, only to be shut out in the cold. My nose pressed up against the glass of affection, watching the other families and happiness out there, while I fall short, again and again and again.
What's wrong with me?
Am I going to be alone forever like this? With nobody to love me?
Why don't I deserve to be held and cherished and loved?
Why don't I deserve the same consideration I give to other people? Should I just become a heartless bitch, out for everything for myself?
I feel like I'm never going to have anyone in my life again. Nobody to love me, nobody to marry me, have a child with me, grow old with me. I want those things I haven't had, and I want to have them with someone who will protect me, keep me safe from harm. Who hasn't had them before with anyone. Why is safety so far out of my reach? Why is comfort something that I never get?
My housemates are a couple, I got them both individual gifts of their own. In return, I got some random BS gifts, and one larger "combined" gift. Again, I don't care about the money.. I just wish that someone sat down and really thought about me as a person and the things I like.
For G, as a small gift, I gave him a book of favorite poetry that I'd illustrated by hand. In return, I got a box of chocolates, and a mug with my initial on it, to keep at his house. I used it once. It's still there, and now I'm not. I wonder sometimes what he'll do with it. Will it sit in his cupboard, getting used occasionally? Will he throw it away so he doesn't have to think about me again?
When I was around J, I gave him so many personal and amazing gifts. In return, I got gadgets. Things he liked.
What I don't get, is why I deserve this alienation. Why I give and give and give, of my time and my heart and my soul, only to be shut out in the cold. My nose pressed up against the glass of affection, watching the other families and happiness out there, while I fall short, again and again and again.
What's wrong with me?
Am I going to be alone forever like this? With nobody to love me?
Why don't I deserve to be held and cherished and loved?
Why don't I deserve the same consideration I give to other people? Should I just become a heartless bitch, out for everything for myself?
I feel like I'm never going to have anyone in my life again. Nobody to love me, nobody to marry me, have a child with me, grow old with me. I want those things I haven't had, and I want to have them with someone who will protect me, keep me safe from harm. Who hasn't had them before with anyone. Why is safety so far out of my reach? Why is comfort something that I never get?
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Pathetic
Talking to other guys still seems weird. I don't want to be talking to them.
I went out and got beer and dinner by myself, then wandered around in the dark getting slowly more and more upset.
And then I texted, more and more desperately. And called. And drove over to his place and sat outside for a while.
I'm so pathetic.
Eventually he responded.. but I don't really feel better. I feel like the things he's saying aren't really real. I'm not awesome, I'm not wonderful.. he'd want to be around me if I was.
I went out and got beer and dinner by myself, then wandered around in the dark getting slowly more and more upset.
And then I texted, more and more desperately. And called. And drove over to his place and sat outside for a while.
I'm so pathetic.
Eventually he responded.. but I don't really feel better. I feel like the things he's saying aren't really real. I'm not awesome, I'm not wonderful.. he'd want to be around me if I was.
Today
I've been trying to get back on the dating horse today, talking with guys, trying to actively message them and be interesting and fun. It's sort of soul-destroying. I don't want any of them, I want what I was starting to have and to feel with G. I felt adored and appreciated, felt like I could trust him with the deep and dark parts of me, and not be judged.
When he looked at me and touched me, I felt beautiful. I'm not sure when I've ever felt that to that degree before, at least, not from someone I really liked and appreciated too. So losing that feeling is hard, because we all want that, want for someone to see the real us and not run away. That feeling of warmth and affection and caring. It's something I've looked for for so long, to lose it really hurts.
Of course, I should be used to that by now.. every time I feel even slightly like somewhere could be home, someone could be a partner for me, and then the rug gets yanked out from under me. Broken people who can't seem to want to choose not to be broken, to jump in with both feet and go after the things they want.. No, they want to be alone to 'deal' with everything. G, why don't you just call me, why don't you just.. come after what you want.. why can't the things we both wanted be found in each other?
But they can't. And I can't ask for that, I can't make someone do what I want them to do, can't hope for it, can't be loved.
I spent a lot of emotional energy being open and vulnerable to G.. and then it just gets thrown away.
When he looked at me and touched me, I felt beautiful. I'm not sure when I've ever felt that to that degree before, at least, not from someone I really liked and appreciated too. So losing that feeling is hard, because we all want that, want for someone to see the real us and not run away. That feeling of warmth and affection and caring. It's something I've looked for for so long, to lose it really hurts.
Of course, I should be used to that by now.. every time I feel even slightly like somewhere could be home, someone could be a partner for me, and then the rug gets yanked out from under me. Broken people who can't seem to want to choose not to be broken, to jump in with both feet and go after the things they want.. No, they want to be alone to 'deal' with everything. G, why don't you just call me, why don't you just.. come after what you want.. why can't the things we both wanted be found in each other?
But they can't. And I can't ask for that, I can't make someone do what I want them to do, can't hope for it, can't be loved.
I spent a lot of emotional energy being open and vulnerable to G.. and then it just gets thrown away.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Friends
Ok, so since this is a blog about making my life actually, you know, better, the thing I decided to do today was join meetup, sign up for a meetup, and commit to going. The one I've picked so far is a comic jam - meet up with some people, draw stuff. Well within my comfort zone, especially since the group will be small and I will be able to do something I find fun. The goal is to maybe make new friends, or at least, do something so I don't feel so isolated all the time.
In other news, G texted me just now, saying "I am trying to reduce the emotional difficulty by allowing space. I'm sorry"
I responded with "It's ok, I just don't really understand what's going on in your head, so I don't know how I should act. Should I be prepared for you to say you are going back to your ex, for example?"
And of course, 20 minutes later, I still don't have a reply. What's the point in starting a conversation with me if you don't want to continue. If you don't want to talk to me, DON'T TALK TO ME. I kinda want to meet up with him again if only so I can see where I stand in a more final way. I hate this ambiguity zone. If I'm in the friend zone, fine. If I'm in the relationship zone, fine. If I'm in the "Never darken my door again" zone, fine. But being in the void between them is what sucks, because you can't move on until it's resolved one way or the other. If you avoid answering questions, you know what? I'm going to assume the answer is the worst one.
In other news, G texted me just now, saying "I am trying to reduce the emotional difficulty by allowing space. I'm sorry"
I responded with "It's ok, I just don't really understand what's going on in your head, so I don't know how I should act. Should I be prepared for you to say you are going back to your ex, for example?"
And of course, 20 minutes later, I still don't have a reply. What's the point in starting a conversation with me if you don't want to continue. If you don't want to talk to me, DON'T TALK TO ME. I kinda want to meet up with him again if only so I can see where I stand in a more final way. I hate this ambiguity zone. If I'm in the friend zone, fine. If I'm in the relationship zone, fine. If I'm in the "Never darken my door again" zone, fine. But being in the void between them is what sucks, because you can't move on until it's resolved one way or the other. If you avoid answering questions, you know what? I'm going to assume the answer is the worst one.
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