I feel like I'm constantly falling short of where everyone in the dating world wants me to be. I'm not skinny enough, I'm not mysterious enough, I'm not what they envision in their life. Why is it that I don't find acceptance for me? Or if I do, then something happens that means that person doesn't really want me around anymore. Why am I so lonely? What's wrong with me that I can't have the things that other people have? Warmth, affection, love, friendship that isn't one sided. For Christmas, I gave my best friend in the world $1000. In return, I got a gift for myself and my housemates that was something I didn't even enjoy - a boardgame that really wasn't up my street. I don't expect money, I don't know, I just feel like when I give gifts to people, I really work hard at trying to find something that they will enjoy and appreciate, and in return I get generic, crappy gifts that show how little they thought of who I am.
My housemates are a couple, I got them both individual gifts of their own. In return, I got some random BS gifts, and one larger "combined" gift. Again, I don't care about the money.. I just wish that someone sat down and really thought about me as a person and the things I like.
For G, as a small gift, I gave him a book of favorite poetry that I'd illustrated by hand. In return, I got a box of chocolates, and a mug with my initial on it, to keep at his house. I used it once. It's still there, and now I'm not. I wonder sometimes what he'll do with it. Will it sit in his cupboard, getting used occasionally? Will he throw it away so he doesn't have to think about me again?
When I was around J, I gave him so many personal and amazing gifts. In return, I got gadgets. Things he liked.
What I don't get, is why I deserve this alienation. Why I give and give and give, of my time and my heart and my soul, only to be shut out in the cold. My nose pressed up against the glass of affection, watching the other families and happiness out there, while I fall short, again and again and again.
What's wrong with me?
Am I going to be alone forever like this? With nobody to love me?
Why don't I deserve to be held and cherished and loved?
Why don't I deserve the same consideration I give to other people? Should I just become a heartless bitch, out for everything for myself?
I feel like I'm never going to have anyone in my life again. Nobody to love me, nobody to marry me, have a child with me, grow old with me. I want those things I haven't had, and I want to have them with someone who will protect me, keep me safe from harm. Who hasn't had them before with anyone. Why is safety so far out of my reach? Why is comfort something that I never get?
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