Again and again and again

Date after date. Guy after guy. They're never the one to text me. What's so wrong with me that I'm not worth basic consideration as a human being?

Am I so awful?

Do I just have to accept that it doesn't matter what I want, or what I am. I'm just going to be alone forever?

I can read a thousand books. Do a thousand things, and I will never be what someone really wants forever in their lives. Everyone but me gets to have that.

It's funny. The last two guys I had any kind of feelings for, both told me how wonderful I was, at the same time as they were shoving me away with both hands. Telling me what kind of guys I should look for. How lucky any guy would be to have me - as long as that guy isn't them.

They even go as far as to suggest what I should look for, what I should be dating.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! Why don't they want to keep me?

I'm so tired of being lonely. I'm so tired of nobody caring how my day was. Nobody cuddling me when I'm sick and want to be held. Nobody to tell me they love me. Nobody to talk my troubles over with. Nobody to hold my hand when I'm scared.
And I'm scared right now. Scared of a future where this is my reality forever. Scared of nobody ever taking that step to say that they want me in their lives. I'll never be attractive enough, rich enough, sweet enough. I'm not even feeling depressed or negative right now. I just feel like I'm accepting my reality again. Since J, when I thought I was done forever.. and now I keep trying and trying date after date. I'm just.. a dead loss.

I mean really. Who wants me?

Fat. Too tall. not pretty enough. bad hair. bad teeth. depressive tendencies, scars. bitchy. mean. evil.

Screw it all. Fuck life and the stupid illusion that everyone can be loved. That everyone gets to get married and have babies, and have family and love and warmth in their life.

no comfort
no safety
no joy
no love
no passion
no warmth
no laughter
no affection
no children
no family
no future.