Today

I've been trying to get back on the dating horse today, talking with guys, trying to actively message them and be interesting and fun. It's sort of soul-destroying. I don't want any of them, I want what I was starting to have and to feel with G. I felt adored and appreciated, felt like I could trust him with the deep and dark parts of me, and not be judged.

When he looked at me and touched me, I felt beautiful. I'm not sure when I've ever felt that to that degree before, at least, not from someone I really liked and appreciated too. So losing that feeling is hard, because we all want that, want for someone to see the real us and not run away. That feeling of warmth and affection and caring. It's something I've looked for for so long, to lose it really hurts.

Of course, I should be used to that by now.. every time I feel even slightly like somewhere could be home, someone could be a partner for me, and then the rug gets yanked out from under me. Broken people who can't seem to want to choose not to be broken, to jump in with both feet and go after the things they want.. No, they want to be alone to 'deal' with everything. G, why don't you just call me, why don't you just.. come after what you want.. why can't the things we both wanted be found in each other?

But they can't. And I can't ask for that, I can't make someone do what I want them to do, can't hope for it, can't be loved.

I spent a lot of emotional energy being open and vulnerable to G.. and then it just gets thrown away.